Children Archives | The HUMFREYS

People joke that there is something in the water at my church. Someone is always pregnant. And it’s not crazy to assume that for every one pregnancy you see there are 3 more you don’t know about. I’m surrounded by new moms all the time. As someone who still has a lot to learn about parenting, I’m hesitant to hand out too much advice. But I also know that I’ve been helped tremendously from the encouragement of moms who are just a little further ahead of me in this journey. So for my mama friends with young children, here are four things I want you to know.

1. You don’t have to keep someone else’s standards.

When I talk to new moms, I feel exhausted for them. There are so many decisions about diapering, feeding, sleeping, discipline, diet, screen time, education, etc. And many of these decisions have to be made in a sleep-deprived state of new motherhood. Most moms I talk to want the best for their child and worry they will somehow put their child at a disadvantage if they make the wrong decision.

Depending on who is in your circle of friends, the standards for “doing it right” can be high.

If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her that it’s okay to be “good enough”. If your child is in a context of love, and you are making the best decisions you can with the information you have, it’s enough. I’d even go further and say it’s okay to do a mediocre job of parenting some days. When you’ve reached your breaking point sometimes the whole family is helped by an episode (or five) of Dora and Diego. Rest up and try again tomorrow. His mercies are new every morning.

God didn’t make you like other mothers. You and your husband make decisions for your children before God and no one else. He gave you the children that He wanted you to have and wrote your disposition and capacity in your DNA. He places no burden on you to live up to other people’s standards and preferences. Instead, he desires you to trust Him. He will provide the grace that you need to parent your little ones today.

2. Your kids don’t have to be like other kids.

It’s super annoying when your friend’s kid can recite their ABC sounds at 18 months and yours can barely say “Dada”. It’s also annoying when your kid is doing bum-scoots across the church lobby and their BFF is literally running circles around them while catching a football. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her to relax. Ten years from now you won’t be able to tell the difference between early-starters and late-starters.

I would also tell her to absolutely positively scrap the early potty training. It is so much work for parents and kids are totally fine with having soiled pants. (I may or may not have told my youngest repeatedly to go in his diaper because I wasn’t ready to potty train him.) Guess what, in the end he got potty trained. And no, he’s not scarred for life.

Other mothers can be a tremendous support and encouragement for you. (How else are you supposed to learn about resources like the Letter Factory video and warm compresses for clogged milk ducts.) But it’s also important to remember that just because your friend’s child is learning Latin for toddlers, doesn’t mean you have to scramble to catch up.

You have the freedom to pick activities, routines and pursuits that fit with your family rhythm and preferences. It can be character-building for kids (and their parents) to be second best. It’s less important to impress the world than it is to please God.

3. Physically, your life is about to get a lot easier.

I read somewhere about the golden years of parenting (ages 6-12). And guess what, they weren’t lying. Kids this age can get themselves breakfast and buckle their seatbelts. The can puke into a bowl and engage in interesting conversations. They’ve moved past toddler tantrums and not yet reached teenage meltdowns. Imagine sleeping through the night and drinking your coffee while it’s warm. This will be you in a few years.

4. Your conversations are about to get harder.

It’s so important for moms to take time to keep developing as a person. Not only for their own sake, but also for the sake of their children. You see, something shifts as the children get older. Mothering isn’t as much about caring for our children’s physical needs (although they still require food, clothes and kisses!). But the primary emphasis of parenting shifts to character development, decision making and moral dilemmas. Conversations turn to spiritual matters, playground dynamics and understanding the world. We suddenly have to engage with our kids in a thoughtful, nuanced manner and help them understand the world from a biblical perspective. This is hard to do unless we are also growing spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

I read once that the primary reason young people fall away from the faith is because their parents seemed irrelevant and out-of-touch with the real world. I’m not overly worried about this because salvation belongs to the Lord, not to me. I don’t have to bear the weight of saving my kids. But I still think there is something to be said for genuine, thoughtful interactions with the world we live in. We don’t retreat in fear, but engage with hope because we’ve tasted “the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge” (Ephes. 3:19).

I have a growing hunch that kids benefit from seeing their parents try new things, and struggle, and grow as people. Kids need to know they are loved and prioritized by their parents, but as strange as it sounds, I don’t think that they actually want it to be all about them. They also need examples of adulthood that inspire them. Moms don’t have to be spiritual superstars, but when we grow in maturity, we will be better equipped to help our kids grow into adulthood.

This post appeared originally at The Gospel Coalition Canada as Dear Mom With Young Children

Gone are the days of nursery rhymes and picture books. My children now gravitate toward young adult fiction. They aren’t content with predictable plot lines or childlike themes. They want complex, intriguing plot lines with older, and therefore, more interesting characters. And while I’m glad their tastes are maturing, it felt like we were stepping out of the splash pool of preschool literacy into a vast ocean of divergent worldviews.

Some books are an obvious “no” and others are certified place-keepers on Christian bookshelves everywhere. But the vast majority of books fall somewhere in between. After some research, soul-searching and advice-seeking from smarter and better parents than me, I’ve found a way forward. If you are struggling to pick out good books for your children, here are 8 questions you may want to consider.

Is It a Good, Well-written Story?

As a parent, it’s tempting to choose a “safe” story over an excellent one, but children instinctively reject books that come across as preachy and condescending (not unlike adults!). By contrast a really good book immerses the child into the story. They feel the exhilaration of adventure and experience the camaraderie of overcoming with unexpected heroes. New combinations of words begin to form in their mind and they learn to express themselves in new and articulate ways.

Does This Book Help My Child to Empathize with Someone They Would Have Otherwise Felt no Affinity with?

In Canada, many cities are diverse and multicultural. Toronto is said to have half of its population born outside of Canada, and yet stories of ostracism, racism and bullying still abound. Story can be a powerful means of helping children understand and value other cultures.

God’s kingdom is not limited by nationality, class or gender (Gal. 3:28). It transcends all boundaries and so should our love and compassion. A good book allows children to identify with others through shared experience.

Does This Book Spark My Child’s Interest in History, Culture Or Science?

Famous children’s educator, Charlotte Mason, wrote, “The question is not, — how much does the youth know? when he has finished his education — but how much does he care?”

Quality literature can teach in a way that a dry textbook never can. Facts memorized for a test tend to be forgotten, but the things we learn from story come alive and stay with us long after the last page is read.

Will My Child Learn about Moral Courage?

We must explicitly “train up a child in the way he should go” (Prov. 22:6), but like so many things, integrity is often caught, not taught.

Children learn quickly that doing the right thing will cost them something–whether it be social status, comfort, or other privileges. Good stories allow children to experience these moral crisis points vicariously through the characters in their story. It’s almost like practise for real-life or learning moral courage by osmosis. A compelling protagonist inspires children in ways that simple explanations sometimes fail to do.

Will They Learn through Story That Sin Has Consequences?

It’s no secret that certain stories glamourize sin. The cool kids are slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, etc. (Rom. 1:30), but the bible clearly teaches that the wages of sin is death (Rom. 6:23). Stories that propagate a superficial understanding of sin do not serve our children, but a story that exposes sin’s consequences may do a world of good, especially if it is followed by themes of redemption and forgiveness that mirror God’s grace in the gospel (1 John 1:9).

Does This Book Teach My Child That Authority Is Valuable in Its Proper Context?

Many children’s books teach children to be suspicious of authority. Teachers, parents and other authority figures are evil, egomaniacs or just plain dumb. While we don’t want our children to blindly follow authority, especially when it is corrupt, we do want them to understand that authority is God’s idea and therefore good (Romans 13:1-7). For example, obedience to parents will (in principle) result in a better quality of life (Ephes. 6:1-4). Government and police will restrain the depravity, disorder and injustice that happens when everyone does “what is right in their own eyes” (Judges 21:25) And for the sake of their eternal soul they must understand the importance of submitting to God’s authority and humbling themselves under His mighty hand (1 Pet. 5:6).

Will This Book Cause This Particular Child to Stumble?

On questionable “grey issue” books, wiser parents have advised me to know my child’s propensities. Will this book encourage my particular child to sin in areas where they are weak, or is this an issue of low concern when it comes to temptation? While a book may be appropriate for one child to read at 10, another child may need to wait until they are 12.

Does This Expand My Child’s Ability to Comprehend the Incomprehensible?

Myth and fairy-tales can be helpful here. C.S. Lewis writes that when a child reads about a “fairy land” it “arouses a longing for he knows not what. It stirs and troubles him (to his life-long enrichment) with the dim sense of something beyond his reach and, far from dulling or emptying the actual world, gives it a new dimension of depth. He does not despise real woods because he has read of enchanted woods: the reading makes all real woods a little enchanted. This is a special kind of longing.”

When we consider the supernatural nature of God’s world, fairytales begin to look more realistic. That is to say, they expand our imagination so that we can begin to grasp the wonder of a God who supernaturally breaks into our world to save those who are lost.

Story is powerful, and while we must be cautious of the destructive nature of some literature, mining the depths of a good story is worth every effort. While books have no power in and of themselves to save our children, they have great potential to enrich the soul, build character, inspire, expand the imagination and most importantly, provide fertile soil for gospel seeds grow.

A version of this article appeared at The Gospel Coalition Canada

Ben White